The true story of how Rome fell, by Micella
Posted: Thu Sep 10, 2015 10:44 pm
The way I see it, and obviously I could be completely wrong, but, from what I’ve been able to gather, here’s what happened:
Once upon a time, Dustin built this cool house and furnished it all nice and stuff. He invited a shit ton of people to pay a cover and come play in his house. (those people would be all of us) And they came. And they played, and they for the most part, slept over and raided the fridge and stuff. It was a little challenging for dustin to keep an eye on all of us, so he pulled a few of us aside and asked them to help keep an eye on the place. (those would be the mods). The mods were all, “hell yeah! We’ll watch your stuff for you, buddy, this place rocks!” And they did. They hung out, played with us, and did their best to keep us from jumping on the furniture. More of us came. And for a minute, kept coming. Dustin was all, “score! My house rocks ….. look at all these people playing and having a good time. Hope no one trashes my furniture. My mod buddies will let me know if they do ….. I’m going to Burning Man!”
And we played, and we played, and some of us started jumping on the furniture and the mods started grounding us and stuff. Then more people started coming over and jumping on the furniture, and the mods started kicking some of us out and stuff. Then we started noticing that cracks were forming on the ceiling. So we started being all, “hey mods, did you see that crack?” And the mods were all, “what? What crack? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD would you stop jumping on the furniture over there.” And they’d run off to chastise whoever was jumping on the couch. Then the cracks started getting a little bigger, and more of us were all, “HEY MODS, THERE ARE CRACKS IN THE CEILING!!!!” So then the mods were all, “Oh, yeah, I see that. Hmmmm, well, we don’t have a ladder in here, so we can’t do anything about it, but we will let dustin know.”
And we played, and we played, and we jumped on the furniture and we played. And every now and again, we’d be all, “Hey mods, how bout them cracks?” and the mods would be all, “yes, we KNOW, we are waiting on dustin to bring a ladder … we have no idea what’s taking him so long to get here.” So we were all, “okay, then …. But them cracks don’t look good.”
Then one day, para was all, “I bet I could fix that crack.” And we were all, “cool, do it.” So para got creative and mixed up some temporary plaster and found a way to shimmy up the wall to get to the cracks. He patched them up then screened in the front porch so we would all have some more room to play. Cool.
Except almost everyday someone, somewhere in the house noticed a crack. Well, everyone got sort of used to para patching the cracks, so we all just pointed them out and waited for para to find a way to patch them, while the mods tried to keep the heathens from jumping on the furniture. Sometimes we’d be all, “hey mods, why don’t you just move the furniture so the heathens can’t jump on it.” And they’d be like, “Oh … duh …. Why didn’t we think of that??!?!?!?!? WE CANT MOVE THE FURNITURE, IT’S DUSTIN’S FURNITURE AND HE HASN’T TOLD US WHERE TO MOVE IT TO!!!” So then we were just all, “gawwwwdddd, sorry! Just thought we’d ask …..” and then we’d go back to playing and trying to ignore all the furniture jumping.
But little by little the cracks got bigger and plaster started to flake off. A lot of us were all, “gross, I’m not playing in this run down house with all these freaks jumping on the furniture and stuff” and so a lot of us left to go find another house to play in. Some of us stayed around though, and even though it got harder and harder for para to keep the cracks patched, he still tried. While most of us sat around saying things like, “hey, para, you missed a spot.” Or “hey, para, there’s another one over there …. Daayyyummm that’s a big one!” and then some of us started being all, “hey, para, I bet you could patch that thing better with some plumber’s putty.” And para was all, “don’t be an idiot, you idiot, you can’t patch drywall with plumber’s putty.” And then there would be a huge debate (while jumping on the furniture) over whether or not you could use plumber’s putty to patch drywall. (good times).
Anywho ……. One day para got sick of patching cracks by shimmying up the wall using some jank ass plaster, so he started slacking on the crack patching. (y’all say that last part out loud … it’s sort of funny) Then some “genius” was all, “hey para, what you really need around here is a ladder ….” And para flipped his shit. He was all “NO FUCKING SHIT, SHERLOCK! You think I don’t know we need a ladder!?!? Of course we need a fucking ladder you n00b! But here’s the problem, Einstein, DUSTIN HAS THE LADDER LOCKED IN THE GARAGE!!!! So, I don’t have a fucking ladder, now do I?”
People started talking about ladders and why wouldn’t dustin just give para a ladder, and some people were all, why doesn’t para just go get his own ladder, and some people were all, “I don’t know why para worries about the cracks anyway, it’s not like it’s his house or anything.” Then we all debated on whether or not the cracks were all that big anyway, or if para was just crack happy, or if the cracks would fix themselves, some people even speculated that para created the cracks with the power of his negativity and sarcasm! Some people wondered if dustin even knew about the cracks. Did dustin know about the cracks and not care about the cracks?!?!?! Was dustin just going to let the ceiling cave in on everybody?!?!?!? AAaaaacckkkk. More people started leaving to find a better house.
Then one day, dustin came home, and the people that still played in his house bum rushed him and everyone started talking at once about the cracks, and about para and his spackle (that’s a fun word!), and how everyone was going home and that they wanted everyone to stay and play with them, and that para was mean and made cracks that he spackled and how the mods were all in the kitchen getting drunk and letting people jump on the furniture and stuff …. And so finally dustin pulled para aside, and said something like, “Hey dude, why didn’t you tell me you needed a ladder …..” and para was all, “are you kidding me right now? It’s YOUR fucking house, you should KNOW it was going to need a ladder eventually ….” And dustin was all, “okay, okay ….. chill out, dude, I’ll go get the ladder out of the garage right now and you can borrow it.” And para was all, “Pfft! Do you think I’m a fool?!?! I’m not trying to borrow your stupid ladder. I’ve been running around this place, patching your cracks for years now so your damn house wouldn’t fall down. I wouldn’t touch your ladder with Drifter’s hands at this point.” So dustin was all, “okay, I’ll tell you what ….. I’ll start paying you a little something something to keep the cracks patched around here, and I’ll give you the key to the garage so you can go get that ladder whenever you want. I think I even have one of those cool little triangle spackler tools in there. Wont that be good?” And para looked around at the people left playing and jumping on the furniture, and his ice cold heart melted a little and he couldn’t bear to let the ceiling fall on us, so he was all, “yeah, whatever, I guess so.”
So everyone in the house rejoiced! FINALLY THE CRACKS WERE GOING TO BE FIXED FOR GOOD!!!!!!! HOORAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!
So para set about with the ladder and the spackler thingy and went to work fixin’ some cracks. While the rest of us critiqued his work and chatted amongst ourselves as to whether or not his spackling technique was good enough, and how great it must be for him to be making a MILLION TRILLION DOLLARS for spackling up a few cracks that he liked spackling anyways., Some of us even debated on whether or not para’s ass would look good in carpenter pants. (you know some of y’all did).
Now that para had a ladder, he could get up close and personal with his spackled cracks. He started looking at all of them …. Moving that ladder here and there …. Checking them out and came to the conclusion that a) damn! He had spackled a lot of cracks around this place, and b) he didn’t really feel like spackling anymore. What he really wanted was to throw up some new drywall. But he’d be damned if he was gonna do THAT for free. Sooooooooooooo, he started trying to convince dustin to let him in the attic to replace the drywall.
Dustin: You’re not getting in the attic, para
para: I need in the attic, dustin
Dusin: You’re not getting in the attic, para. Just patch the cracks like you said you would
para: I don’t want to patch the cracks anymore, dustin, you need new drywall, patching the cracks isn’t going to keep the ceiling from collapsing
Dustin: it’s my ceiling, para, just patch the cracks
para: oh, so it’s YOUR ceiling, is it? Well, where were you when your ceiling was cracking with all these idiots in here playing and jumping on the furniture? No where, that’s where. It was ME who climbed over the stupid heathens to patch the fucking cracks, dustin. ME.
Dustin: yeah, about that …. Thanks, buddy, but it’s still my ceiling. I told you I would pay you to patch the cracks. I even gave you a ladder. Can you just get on with it already?
para: No, dustin, I don’t think I can. I’ve reached the point now, where I KNOW that patching the cracks isn’t going to keep people from having plaster in their hair while trying to PAY YOU to play in this house ….. so, no. stop being a dick and just let me in the attic.
Dustin: para, you are pissing me off now. If you aren’t even patching the cracks, why should I let you in the attic.
para: I’ve BEEN patching the cracks, you moron, that’s the only reason you even still have a fucking ceiling!!!!!
Dustin: well now you’re just being difficult. Give me my ladder back. And why are these fools jumping on my furniture? What the hell have my mods been doing?
Meanwhile everyone else is all, “heyyyyyy, why is the plaster still falling on my face?!?!?!?!??! I thought dustin was paying para to patch the cracks now …. WTF?!?!?!?! “ And para responds with, “shut up, I’m drinking my scotch” and dustin responds with, “shut up, I’m looking at my cool house wondering if it’s time to refinance”
And we are all …….. “UGHHHHHHH, CAN WE PLEASE JUST GET BACK TO RUNNING AMOK IN THE HOUSE, WITHOUT HAVING TO WORRY ABOUT THE STUPID CEILING FALLING, PLEASE ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!”
And that’s the true story of how Rome fell.
So, I really really really wish para and dustin would come to a compromise on which cracks need to be patched and when the attic door would be opened. Then we could all just play Rome and talk mess to each other and live happily ever after.
THE END
Once upon a time, Dustin built this cool house and furnished it all nice and stuff. He invited a shit ton of people to pay a cover and come play in his house. (those people would be all of us) And they came. And they played, and they for the most part, slept over and raided the fridge and stuff. It was a little challenging for dustin to keep an eye on all of us, so he pulled a few of us aside and asked them to help keep an eye on the place. (those would be the mods). The mods were all, “hell yeah! We’ll watch your stuff for you, buddy, this place rocks!” And they did. They hung out, played with us, and did their best to keep us from jumping on the furniture. More of us came. And for a minute, kept coming. Dustin was all, “score! My house rocks ….. look at all these people playing and having a good time. Hope no one trashes my furniture. My mod buddies will let me know if they do ….. I’m going to Burning Man!”
And we played, and we played, and some of us started jumping on the furniture and the mods started grounding us and stuff. Then more people started coming over and jumping on the furniture, and the mods started kicking some of us out and stuff. Then we started noticing that cracks were forming on the ceiling. So we started being all, “hey mods, did you see that crack?” And the mods were all, “what? What crack? FOR THE LOVE OF GOD would you stop jumping on the furniture over there.” And they’d run off to chastise whoever was jumping on the couch. Then the cracks started getting a little bigger, and more of us were all, “HEY MODS, THERE ARE CRACKS IN THE CEILING!!!!” So then the mods were all, “Oh, yeah, I see that. Hmmmm, well, we don’t have a ladder in here, so we can’t do anything about it, but we will let dustin know.”
And we played, and we played, and we jumped on the furniture and we played. And every now and again, we’d be all, “Hey mods, how bout them cracks?” and the mods would be all, “yes, we KNOW, we are waiting on dustin to bring a ladder … we have no idea what’s taking him so long to get here.” So we were all, “okay, then …. But them cracks don’t look good.”
Then one day, para was all, “I bet I could fix that crack.” And we were all, “cool, do it.” So para got creative and mixed up some temporary plaster and found a way to shimmy up the wall to get to the cracks. He patched them up then screened in the front porch so we would all have some more room to play. Cool.
Except almost everyday someone, somewhere in the house noticed a crack. Well, everyone got sort of used to para patching the cracks, so we all just pointed them out and waited for para to find a way to patch them, while the mods tried to keep the heathens from jumping on the furniture. Sometimes we’d be all, “hey mods, why don’t you just move the furniture so the heathens can’t jump on it.” And they’d be like, “Oh … duh …. Why didn’t we think of that??!?!?!?!? WE CANT MOVE THE FURNITURE, IT’S DUSTIN’S FURNITURE AND HE HASN’T TOLD US WHERE TO MOVE IT TO!!!” So then we were just all, “gawwwwdddd, sorry! Just thought we’d ask …..” and then we’d go back to playing and trying to ignore all the furniture jumping.
But little by little the cracks got bigger and plaster started to flake off. A lot of us were all, “gross, I’m not playing in this run down house with all these freaks jumping on the furniture and stuff” and so a lot of us left to go find another house to play in. Some of us stayed around though, and even though it got harder and harder for para to keep the cracks patched, he still tried. While most of us sat around saying things like, “hey, para, you missed a spot.” Or “hey, para, there’s another one over there …. Daayyyummm that’s a big one!” and then some of us started being all, “hey, para, I bet you could patch that thing better with some plumber’s putty.” And para was all, “don’t be an idiot, you idiot, you can’t patch drywall with plumber’s putty.” And then there would be a huge debate (while jumping on the furniture) over whether or not you could use plumber’s putty to patch drywall. (good times).
Anywho ……. One day para got sick of patching cracks by shimmying up the wall using some jank ass plaster, so he started slacking on the crack patching. (y’all say that last part out loud … it’s sort of funny) Then some “genius” was all, “hey para, what you really need around here is a ladder ….” And para flipped his shit. He was all “NO FUCKING SHIT, SHERLOCK! You think I don’t know we need a ladder!?!? Of course we need a fucking ladder you n00b! But here’s the problem, Einstein, DUSTIN HAS THE LADDER LOCKED IN THE GARAGE!!!! So, I don’t have a fucking ladder, now do I?”
People started talking about ladders and why wouldn’t dustin just give para a ladder, and some people were all, why doesn’t para just go get his own ladder, and some people were all, “I don’t know why para worries about the cracks anyway, it’s not like it’s his house or anything.” Then we all debated on whether or not the cracks were all that big anyway, or if para was just crack happy, or if the cracks would fix themselves, some people even speculated that para created the cracks with the power of his negativity and sarcasm! Some people wondered if dustin even knew about the cracks. Did dustin know about the cracks and not care about the cracks?!?!?! Was dustin just going to let the ceiling cave in on everybody?!?!?!? AAaaaacckkkk. More people started leaving to find a better house.
Then one day, dustin came home, and the people that still played in his house bum rushed him and everyone started talking at once about the cracks, and about para and his spackle (that’s a fun word!), and how everyone was going home and that they wanted everyone to stay and play with them, and that para was mean and made cracks that he spackled and how the mods were all in the kitchen getting drunk and letting people jump on the furniture and stuff …. And so finally dustin pulled para aside, and said something like, “Hey dude, why didn’t you tell me you needed a ladder …..” and para was all, “are you kidding me right now? It’s YOUR fucking house, you should KNOW it was going to need a ladder eventually ….” And dustin was all, “okay, okay ….. chill out, dude, I’ll go get the ladder out of the garage right now and you can borrow it.” And para was all, “Pfft! Do you think I’m a fool?!?! I’m not trying to borrow your stupid ladder. I’ve been running around this place, patching your cracks for years now so your damn house wouldn’t fall down. I wouldn’t touch your ladder with Drifter’s hands at this point.” So dustin was all, “okay, I’ll tell you what ….. I’ll start paying you a little something something to keep the cracks patched around here, and I’ll give you the key to the garage so you can go get that ladder whenever you want. I think I even have one of those cool little triangle spackler tools in there. Wont that be good?” And para looked around at the people left playing and jumping on the furniture, and his ice cold heart melted a little and he couldn’t bear to let the ceiling fall on us, so he was all, “yeah, whatever, I guess so.”
So everyone in the house rejoiced! FINALLY THE CRACKS WERE GOING TO BE FIXED FOR GOOD!!!!!!! HOORAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!
So para set about with the ladder and the spackler thingy and went to work fixin’ some cracks. While the rest of us critiqued his work and chatted amongst ourselves as to whether or not his spackling technique was good enough, and how great it must be for him to be making a MILLION TRILLION DOLLARS for spackling up a few cracks that he liked spackling anyways., Some of us even debated on whether or not para’s ass would look good in carpenter pants. (you know some of y’all did).
Now that para had a ladder, he could get up close and personal with his spackled cracks. He started looking at all of them …. Moving that ladder here and there …. Checking them out and came to the conclusion that a) damn! He had spackled a lot of cracks around this place, and b) he didn’t really feel like spackling anymore. What he really wanted was to throw up some new drywall. But he’d be damned if he was gonna do THAT for free. Sooooooooooooo, he started trying to convince dustin to let him in the attic to replace the drywall.
Dustin: You’re not getting in the attic, para
para: I need in the attic, dustin
Dusin: You’re not getting in the attic, para. Just patch the cracks like you said you would
para: I don’t want to patch the cracks anymore, dustin, you need new drywall, patching the cracks isn’t going to keep the ceiling from collapsing
Dustin: it’s my ceiling, para, just patch the cracks
para: oh, so it’s YOUR ceiling, is it? Well, where were you when your ceiling was cracking with all these idiots in here playing and jumping on the furniture? No where, that’s where. It was ME who climbed over the stupid heathens to patch the fucking cracks, dustin. ME.
Dustin: yeah, about that …. Thanks, buddy, but it’s still my ceiling. I told you I would pay you to patch the cracks. I even gave you a ladder. Can you just get on with it already?
para: No, dustin, I don’t think I can. I’ve reached the point now, where I KNOW that patching the cracks isn’t going to keep people from having plaster in their hair while trying to PAY YOU to play in this house ….. so, no. stop being a dick and just let me in the attic.
Dustin: para, you are pissing me off now. If you aren’t even patching the cracks, why should I let you in the attic.
para: I’ve BEEN patching the cracks, you moron, that’s the only reason you even still have a fucking ceiling!!!!!
Dustin: well now you’re just being difficult. Give me my ladder back. And why are these fools jumping on my furniture? What the hell have my mods been doing?
Meanwhile everyone else is all, “heyyyyyy, why is the plaster still falling on my face?!?!?!?!??! I thought dustin was paying para to patch the cracks now …. WTF?!?!?!?! “ And para responds with, “shut up, I’m drinking my scotch” and dustin responds with, “shut up, I’m looking at my cool house wondering if it’s time to refinance”
And we are all …….. “UGHHHHHHH, CAN WE PLEASE JUST GET BACK TO RUNNING AMOK IN THE HOUSE, WITHOUT HAVING TO WORRY ABOUT THE STUPID CEILING FALLING, PLEASE ?!?!?!?!?!?!?!”
And that’s the true story of how Rome fell.
So, I really really really wish para and dustin would come to a compromise on which cracks need to be patched and when the attic door would be opened. Then we could all just play Rome and talk mess to each other and live happily ever after.
THE END