Jokes???

Of the people, by the people, for the people, for whatevs.
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el toro
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Post by el toro » Wed Mar 16, 2005 11:36 am

A woman was looking around in a pet shop and spotted a large parrot with beautiful green and blue feathers.
She had always wanted to own a parrot but was well aware that she could not afford a bird of this type, as it would cost a small fortune.

Out of curiosity she asked the store owner how much the parrot cost. She could barely believe her ears when the pet shop owner said "fifty dollars ma'am."

The woman asked why such an expensive bird was being sold for such a small amount. The shopkeeper replied that the parrot had been living in a bordello and was known to make some rather off color remarks, so he was trying to get rid of it.

Realizing that she would never see another opportunity like this to buy a parrot, she paid the man fifty dollars and took the bird home.

She set the cage down in the corner of the kitchen and removed the sheet that covered the cage.

The parrot looked around the room and then back at the woman and squaked "New house, new madam." While the comment surpised her, she didn't find it too offensive, and ultimately decided it was rather amusing.

In the afternoon, the woman's two teenage daughters came home from High School. They were led to the kitchen by their mother to see the parrot.

The parrot squaked "New house, new madam, new whores." At first all three were quite offended but eventually they were laughing together about their rude parrot.

Later in the afternoon, the woman's husband Kieth came home from work. His wife and daughters dragged him into the kitchen to see their rude parrot.

The parrot squaked "New house, new madam, new whores, high Tide."

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Smaug
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Post by Smaug » Wed Mar 16, 2005 1:13 pm

el toro wrote:The parrot squaked "New house, new madam, new whores, high Tide."
I don't get it.

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danmax
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Post by danmax » Wed Mar 16, 2005 1:17 pm

I think it would have been funnier with:
"The parrot squaked "New house, new madam, new whores, hi Ted."
Last edited by danmax on Mon Mar 02, 2009 5:19 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Post by a.tom » Wed Mar 16, 2005 1:25 pm

A man gets to his seat on the plane, and is surprised to find a parrot strapped into the seat next to him. Once in the air, the stewardess comes round, and the man asks her for a coffee, whereupon the parrot squawks: "And get me a whisky you cow!"

The stewardess, somewhat flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot, but forgets the coffee. When the man points this out to her, the parrot immediately drains its glass and yells "And get me another whisky you bitch!"

Quite upset, the stewardess, shaking returns shortly with a whisky for the parrot, but still no coffee. Unaccustomed to such slackness, the man decides to try the parrot's approach: "I've asked you twice for a coffee, cow, go and get it or I'll give you a slap!"

In a couple of seconds, two burly stewards grab both him and the parrot, take them to the emergency exits and throw them out. As they are ejected from the plane, the parrot turns to the man and says "You know, for someone who can't fly, you're a lippy bastard!!".

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Post by mbauer » Wed Mar 16, 2005 1:42 pm

Smaug wrote:
el toro wrote:The parrot squaked "New house, new madam, new whores, high Tide."
I don't get it.
Apparently Tide has frequented the bordello where the Parrot use to reside

∞ mbauer knocks Smaug over the head with a hammer ∞

:smt021

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Post by el toro » Wed Mar 16, 2005 1:55 pm

This pirate walks into a bar with a big ship's wheel down his pants. The bartender says, "Excuse me, sir, but do you know you have a ship's wheel down the front of your pants?"





And the pirate says...










Aaargh, it's driving me nuts!!

8)

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Post by Preacherman » Wed Mar 16, 2005 2:19 pm

I am not sure that one counts el t, it doesn't have a parrot in it. Here's another without a parrot...

Three pieces of string walk into a bar and grab a table in the corner. The first gets up, walks to the bar, and orders a gin and tonic, a vodka lemon, and a beer.

"Are you a piece of string?" asked the barman.

"Yeah - why?" asked the piece of string.

"We don't serve string in here, sorry" came the reply.

The piece of string returns to his friends and tells them the bad news.

"Nonsense" says the second, getting up and walking to the bar.

"Excuse me, barman? A gin and tonic, a vodka lemon, and a beer please!"

The barman looks at him, and again asks if he is a piece of string.

"Yes I am" the piece of string replied.

"Look I told your mate already, we don't serve string in here!"

The piece of string returned to the table, and the third got up to try his luck.

"Barman? A gin and tonic, a vodka lemon, and a beer thanks..."

Again the barman looks at him.

"Are you a piece of string?" he asked.

"No, I'm afraid not" came the reply...

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Post by Smaug » Wed Mar 16, 2005 2:22 pm

Preacherman wrote:I am not sure that one counts el t, it doesn't have a parrot in it.
There's a parrot on the pirate's shoulder.

....st00pid Preach....

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Post by Preacherman » Wed Mar 16, 2005 2:22 pm

Oh and here's one with a parrot...

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section. Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem". The clerk comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere birds in dat cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a peeper bag." The clerk does and the two guys pay for the birds and leave the shop.

They get into Gerry's van and drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis look loike grand place, eh?" says Gerry. "Oh, yeh, dis looks good," replies Paddy.

They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. "I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry. He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his shoulders and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me"

A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying a bag He pulls a parrot out of the bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.

"Hi, Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom. Paddy shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin' dat parrotshooting nider"

A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying another bag. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff with the usual result.

Once more Paddy shakes his head - "Fock me Sean, first der was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrot shooting and now you blimmin' hen gliding"

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Post by Smaug » Wed Mar 16, 2005 2:27 pm

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and anything else that came to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.

Finally, one day, David came home exhausted fvrom work.

"Ha! Needledick is finally home!" squawked the parrot (using the correct spelling of "squawk", for he was an intelligent bird). "Get me a cracker, bitch!"

in a moment of fury, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet.

David, frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness."

David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued,

"May I ask what the chicken did?"

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Post by el toro » Wed Mar 16, 2005 2:30 pm

Pale Kate approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible.

My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" Pale Kate responded.

The next day Pale Kate brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. Kate puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"

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Post by Smaug » Wed Mar 16, 2005 2:32 pm

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say:

"Jesus is watching you!"

Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again.

"I'm serious, Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.

The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.

He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, and asked the parrot: "What's your name?""Clarence," said the bird.

"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"

The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

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Post by Smaug » Wed Mar 16, 2005 2:41 pm

A farmer buys a male parrot to mate with his female parrot.

He puts them in the cage together, and every time he looks in the cage the male parrot is making it with the female. The next day the exhausted female dies. The farmer gets incensed and throws the male parrot out the window.

The next day the farmer sees dead hens lying all about the feed lot. The parrot is staggering around, worn out, but looking for another hen. The farmer goes for the shotgun, but when he comes back, the parrot's gone.

During the next week, the farmer finds dead bird carcasses all around the farm, but can't find the parrot.

One afternoon, he spots the parrot lying on its back, its feet in the air, feathers all torn and scruffy. The farmer walks up to it and says, "Ha! Ya dirty bird! Finally screwed yourself to death, did you?"

With one wing, the parrot points to buzzards circling in the sky, winks lecherously, and says, "Shhh."

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Post by BarStar » Wed Mar 16, 2005 2:48 pm


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Post by Smaug » Wed Mar 16, 2005 3:00 pm

lol....good one Bar!

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Post by universalcat » Fri Mar 18, 2005 12:48 am

Furball took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do
first, Kate?" asked the hairy freak. "I want to get weighed," said the lovely girl.

They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She
got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Furball
again asked Kate what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she
said firmly. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Fur lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival some more and again he asked where to next.

"I'd just like to get weighed," she responded, looking him straight in the eye. By this time, Furball figured she was kinda weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a quick hairy hug.

Kate's roommate, Logan, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go, Kate?" "Oh, Wogan, it was wousy", she responded.

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beads away

Post by pale kate » Wed Mar 23, 2005 9:21 am

el toro wrote:Pale Kate approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They only know how to say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. 'Want to have some fun?'"

"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible.

My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship."

"Thank you!" Pale Kate responded.

The next day Pale Kate brings her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. Kate puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,"Hi, we're prostitutes, want to have some fun?"

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, "Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!"
T - I still don't understand why they want to put the beads away....

:lol:

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Post by jimski » Wed Mar 23, 2005 10:08 am

Not wanting to offend any one ethnic group...

(jimski) walks into a (NY) bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder.

The bartender looks in amazement and asks, "What can I get you?"

(jimski) looks at the parrot and the parrot says, "Bring me a beer".

The bartender even more impressed sets a glass of beer on the bar and says, "That's amazing, I've never seen anything like that in here. And so well trained. Where did you get him?"

The parrot replied, " (Milwaukee), they've got millions of them".

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Post by el toro » Wed Mar 23, 2005 10:28 am

SET walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "If you give me free drinks all night, I will entertain your customers so much they will stay all night and drink lots and lots." "Praise Lincoln," says the bartender. "How are you going to do that?" SET gets a hamster out of his pocket and puts it on the piano. The hamster runs up and down the keyboard playing the greatest piano music anyone had ever heard. "That's incredible!" says the bartender. "Have you got anything else?" SET gets a parrot out of his other pocket and puts it on the bar. The hamster begins to play the piano again and the parrot sings along - sounding just like Pavarotti. Everyone in the bar is amazed and stays all night drinking and listening to the hamster and parrot. The bartender is delighted. "I must have these animals. Will you sell them to me?" he asks. SET shook his head no. "Will you sell just one then?" asks the bartender. "OK, I'll sell you the parrot for $100" SET says. The bartender is delighted and hands over the money. Maki is standing next to SET at the bar, watches the transaction and says, "You're a so st00pid selling that amazing parrot for only $100". "No I'm not," SET replied. "The hamster is a ventriloquist"!!!

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Post by BarStar » Wed Mar 23, 2005 10:56 am


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Post by universalcat » Wed Mar 23, 2005 12:25 pm

Revisit my highly humorous joke, a couple postings up.
Its been luxified.

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el toro
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Post by el toro » Wed Mar 23, 2005 12:27 pm

luxified.... ooooo good word

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Post by BarStar » Wed Mar 23, 2005 6:50 pm


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Post by fluffernuffer » Wed Aug 24, 2005 5:09 pm

This guy's at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident. He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face starts to speak. But before he can, the guy interrupts.

Guy: "Doc, don't tell me my wife's dead. I just can't take it. Really, I can't take it. I love her."

Doctor: "Well, sir, I do have some bad news."

Again the guy interrupts.

Guy: "Doc, just tell me, did she make it?"

Doctor: "As I was saying, we did all we could. Right now she's in a vegatative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the rest of her life. She can stay here overnight, but after that, you'll have to take her home because your insurance doesn't cover this type of thing."

The guy slumps, just crushed.

Doctor: "With the right care, which will include you feeding her five times a day, cleaning her and giving her constant care on a daily basis, she'll likely live for at least another 30 years."

The guy sinks even lower, just crushed, and starts to cry.

Doctor: "As I said, your insurance doesn't cover this kind of care, so you'll have to make some sort of arrangements to purchase the equipment you'll need for your wife. I would suggest you put your house on the market today and sell it as quickly as possible and buy a mobile home. You're gonna need the excess cash. It should be enough to buy the equipment your wife needs and for you to live on for the next couple of months. By then, you should be able to qualify for welfare and other forms of state and federal aid."

By this point, the guy is sobbing uncontrollably.

The doctor reaches over, puts his hand on his shoulder and says, "Hey, look at me." The guy looks up and the doctor smiles and says, "I'm just fucking with you, she's dead."

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Post by Sidhe » Wed Aug 24, 2005 6:50 pm

Old joke - Luxified©™

Michelle, Pk and Sidhe are walking along the beach when they see a man with no arms and no legs sunning himself on a blanket. Feeling incredibly sorry for the man, Michelle approaches him and asks, “Have you ever had a really good hug?” The man is somewhat taken aback but replies “Well no, not really.” Upon hearing this Michelle gathers his torso into her arms, gives him a massive hug and then returns him to this blanket.

He is approached next by Pale Kate, who leans over him and says softly, “ You poor thing, have you ever been kissed?” Still a little overwhelmed by Michelle’s hug he finds himself answering honestly “No, I can’t say that I have.” Kate then places her hands on his face and delivers him a long, sensual kiss.

The man barely has time to recover when Sidhe straddles his limbless body and asks him bluntly, “So, tell me…have you ever been fucked?” The man is barely able to speak as he stammers his response “Never!” Sidhe looks at the man and says, “Well, you will be in ten minutes…the tide is coming in.”

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hoodie
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Post by hoodie » Wed Aug 24, 2005 7:09 pm

:smt044

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Post by BarStar » Wed Aug 24, 2005 8:42 pm


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Post by One Big Wave » Wed Aug 24, 2005 8:44 pm

Sidhe wrote:Old joke - Luxified©™

Michelle, Pk and Sidhe are walking along the beach when they see a man with no arms and no legs sunning himself on a blanket. Feeling incredibly sorry for the man, Michelle approaches him and asks, “Have you ever had a really good hug?” The man is somewhat taken aback but replies “Well no, not really.” Upon hearing this Michelle gathers his torso into her arms, gives him a massive hug and then returns him to this blanket.

He is approached next by Pale Kate, who leans over him and says softly, “ You poor thing, have you ever been kissed?” Still a little overwhelmed by Michelle’s hug he finds himself answering honestly “No, I can’t say that I have.” Kate then places her hands on his face and delivers him a long, sensual kiss.

The man barely has time to recover when Sidhe straddles his limbless body and asks him bluntly, “So, tell me…have you ever been fucked?” The man is barely able to speak as he stammers his response “Never!” Sidhe looks at the man and says, “Well, you will be in ten minutes…the tide is coming in.”
There ya go, Tide takes advantadge of disabled men :wink:

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Post by Sidhe » Wed Aug 24, 2005 9:09 pm

BarStar wrote:UM....

HELLOOOOOOO????????

Parrot jokes only please...


please update!


St00pid Sid KEF He....
UM...

HELLOOOOO??

I gave you Michelle, PK and I in bikinis (not to mention there was a near threesome, some kissing AND straddling) and all you can think of is what we did with the parrot?

St00pid BarStar...

As if Dustin would let me post that part of the joke- it is NSFMB (Not Safe For MBauer).

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Post by hoodie » Thu Aug 25, 2005 3:08 am

Vixcember! :D

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